The memories of that week have been something I have actively tried to suppress, if I don't I cannot really function. The things that happened that week, the sharp decline, my mom losing the ability to communicate, the death rattle, and knowing that she was mentally aware of it all is a weight that is unbearable and one that cannot be lifted by my friends and family no matter how hard they may try. And I know that any of them reading this are not happy with my admitting what they may have suspected. Although, I know rationally it is bad to ignore memories and to push them down into the subconscious this is what allows me to function and rebuild my life. Losing her was terrible, living through those final days was the worst experience I could ever have imagined. Actually, it surpasses even my worst nightmare and believe me I have had quiet a few since.
I was with her when she died. When the death rattle stopped and she became quiet. When she stopped breathing I called out to her "Mom! Mom!" and she started breathing again. A minute or so later it happened again, she stopped breathing. Only this time my calling out to her did nothing. She was gone. She tried to stay with me, her mind was there. Her body just couldn't do it anymore. And that last week was so horrible on her I can't blame her body for giving out. She fought the good fight, it just got to be too much. Not all stories have a happy ending.
Everyone has their own opinion on how I should be handling things or how I should be acting. I get the "you have to deal with these feelings Sabrina." as though it were that easy. I've had anger at my emotions when they do surface because they are inconvenient or people do not understand how to handle them or me. Some are upset because they feel that I do not show enough emotion. That my loss does not weigh my soul down to the point where I cannot get out of bed. They would prefer for me showcase my suffering for their enjoyment. People seem to forget I am still me. A me that has suffered a trauma at the loss of my mother but I am me none the less. Some friends and family have disappeared completely from my life as well. They either do not know what to say to me or cannot face me for whatever reason. At any rate, I refuse to change my life, my coping mechanisms to better suit others who have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. As I write this, I am certain I am not the only person who has felt this way. The pressure from others on how to act when suffering a great loss.
It hasn't been all bad. Most days I have so much to do that moving forward is the only choice I have. I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends, family and coworkers in my life who have been there for me throughout all of this. I have had much support, for as many people giving me a hard time or disappearing out of my life there have been 3 more to take their place and assure me that I am handling everything better than they thought anyone could. That I am strong and they admire me for living life. Or simply ones that are there for me, not treating me differently. I love them all for it.
I miss her.
I miss a thousand things about her and our relationship. Even something as simple as knowing I'd have at least one person to read my blog posts, her. My mother was my biggest supporter and fan. She loved me unconditionally and I her. The only thing that I wouldn't take back from that week, the memory that I would keep are the ones that convince me that she knew how loved she was. I take so much comfort in that.
Hug your mom's tighter. Tell them that you love them and treasure the time you have with them. And if you are going through something similar, or are simply surviving understand that you are not alone and you are doing fine. You will get through this. We both will.
