Passing

My skin is so white, it's amazing I don't glow in the dark. Looking at me there is no surprise that I have am of Irish, German and English descent. My skin has afforded me a certain amount of privilege, privilege that my father enjoyed but that mother was never allotted. Looking at my mother, you can tell that she isn't quite white and she is very proud of this fact. My mother's face betrays her Native American heritage. So much so that when she was growing up in the 1960's the kids in her school called her "breed". My mother has always embraced her Native culture and I was raised to do the same.  Unfortunately, I went to an elementary school that wasn't just predominately white, it was completely white.

I was in the third grade and very excited because my Mom let me wear one of her Native American chokers that she had bought at an event earlier that year. I felt very special because this necklace was particularly intricate. I proudly wore the necklace because it was so beautiful and because it showed I had earned a degree of trust from my Mom. Or perhaps I had just hounded her enough that she was decided to give in. I was set up to have a great day, until my one classmate, Jamie, pointed out my necklace in a less than positive way. When asked I simply said "It's my Mom's Native American necklace. She let me wear it." and then he asked "Why would you wear that necklace if you're not an Indian?" I explained that I was, in fact, "Indian". My classmate then continued to taunt me based on this saying "I'm Irish and I don't have a giant shamrock on my chest." If I had been as outspoken as a child as I am as an adult I would have fired back at him "Yeah except for St. Patrick's Day and the Fighting Irish jacket and hat combo you have!". Instead I just told him that I was Irish too, which by both my last name and my fair skin is obvious. It occurred to me that the problem wasn't that I had pride in my heritage. It was the pride I placed in the wrong skin color.

After that day, unless I had a class assignment, I did not tell classmates and sometimes friends about my heritage. People have asked me if I was adopted all the way up through high school because I do not share the same Native features as my mother. My mother accused me throughout school and well into college of turning my back on my heritage. It added salt to the wound that I embraced my Irish heritage from my father's side because my parents divorced when I was two years old. She thought my shame had more to do with her than with the kids at school shaming me out of identifying. It wasn't until I was in graduate school taking a class on Feminist Theory that I learned of the term "passing". My one classmate, who later became my roommate, was the one who identified my experience as just that. I have spent my life passing as white and enjoying the privileges that go along with that. And please understand, you're an asshole if you're white and living in America and you don't think you're enjoying white privilege because no matter how disadvantage you might be, you are still treated better than people who have more pigment to their skin. Racial slurs have never been thrown at you in a way that bring you back to a point of oppression. My classmate spent her life passing as well. Her parents are both immigrants but from different parts of the globe. She went to a rich all white school and she preferred to have her Mother seen, because she was paler, and her Father to be heard, because he spoke English more clearly.

We both had spent most of our lives playing what other people wanted us to be because it was easier. The Japanese have a saying "The nail that sticks out gets the hammer" and it applies in the States. I have spent much of my life denying that part of who I am and now it feels weird and pretentious to try and claim any sort of affiliation. I certainly have not been negatively affected by the stereotypes that plagued both my Mother and Native Americans. What I can do is simply embrace who and what I am. I think it is time that I put that necklace back on.