Breaking the Silence Since Losing Her

My mother died an hour into her birthday. She was 61. The week prior I had moved home to help take care of her. At that point I knew she had only about a week left.

The memories of that week have been something I have actively tried to suppress, if I don't I cannot really function. The things that happened that week, the sharp decline, my mom losing the ability to communicate, the death rattle, and knowing that she was mentally aware of it all is a weight that is unbearable and one that cannot be lifted by my friends and family no matter how hard they may try. And I know that any of them reading this are not happy with my admitting what they may have suspected. Although, I know rationally it is bad to ignore memories and to push them down into the subconscious this is what allows me to function and rebuild my life. Losing her was terrible, living through those final days was the worst experience I could ever have imagined. Actually, it surpasses even my worst nightmare and believe me I have had quiet a few since.

I was with her when she died. When the death rattle stopped and she became quiet. When she stopped breathing I called out to her "Mom! Mom!" and she started breathing again. A minute or so later it happened again, she stopped breathing. Only this time my calling out to her did nothing. She was gone. She tried to stay with me, her mind was there. Her body just couldn't do it anymore. And that last week was so horrible on her I can't blame her body for giving out. She fought the good fight, it just got to be too much. Not all stories have a happy ending.



Everyone has their own opinion on how I should  be handling things or how I should be acting. I get the "you have to deal with these feelings Sabrina." as though it were that easy. I've had anger at my emotions when they do surface because they are inconvenient or people do not understand how to handle them or me. Some are upset because they feel that I do not show enough emotion. That my loss does not weigh my soul down to the point where I cannot get out of bed. They would prefer for me showcase my suffering for their enjoyment. People seem to forget I am still me. A me that has suffered a trauma at the loss of my mother but I am me none the less. Some friends and family have disappeared completely from my life as well. They either do not know what to say to me or cannot face me for whatever reason. At any rate, I refuse to change my life, my coping mechanisms to better suit others who have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. As I write this, I am certain I am not the only person who has felt this way. The pressure from others on how to act when suffering a great loss.

It hasn't been all bad. Most days I have so much to do that moving forward is the only choice I have. I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends, family and coworkers in my life who have been there for me throughout all of this. I have had much support, for as many people giving me a hard time or disappearing out of my life there have been 3 more to take their place and assure me that I am handling everything better than they thought anyone could. That I am strong and they admire me for living life. Or simply ones that are there for me, not treating me differently. I love them all for it.


I miss her.

I miss a thousand things about her and our relationship. Even something as simple as knowing I'd have at least one person to read my blog posts, her. My mother was my biggest supporter and fan. She loved me unconditionally and I her. The only thing that I wouldn't take back from that week, the memory that I would keep are the ones that convince me that she knew how loved she was. I take so much comfort in that.


Hug your mom's tighter. Tell them that you love them and treasure the time you have with them. And if you are going through something similar, or are simply surviving understand that you are not alone and you are doing fine. You will get through this. We both will.

Memory

I have a memory from when I was very young, maybe four. I know I wasn't in school yet. My Mom had to go away and have testing done for a week because of her brain injury and a family friend stayed with me. I remember the day we went to go get my Mom, not the ride there or anything, just when I saw her. I remember running up to her and wrapping my arms around her. She was wearing her black rabbit fur coat.I remember how soft it was and the smell. We were both crying.

My Mom has been diagnosed with cancer in her lung, bone marrow, adrenal gland, liver and brain. She had been sick since the spring but we only found out the diagnosis in late October. I wasn't too surprised that it was cancer, just everywhere it is. Even still nothing prepares you for that moment. It's always been my Mom and me. Earlier this year we were going to the gym together 2-3 times a week. She started to not be able to go because she was so sick and couldn't use her arm. She quickly started to deteriorate and come September it seemed like we were constantly taking her to the Emergency Room, with them not doing anything to help. Having the person that loves you unconditionally and who you love the same, in such pain and in such condition is unbearable. Not being able to do something to help is maddening, frustrating and sickening. Anyone who has had someone they love horribly ill will understand this. That's also why I haven't been updating my blog. Writing anything is very emotional and somewhat difficult.

When my Mom was diagnosed people warned me that my boyfriend would probably leave me. That I should be prepared for that possibility. To his credit he has stayed. What no one warned me about was my friends jumping ship. Some of the ones who have disappeared since my Mom got sick are not too surprising, the absence of others has been staggering. Whether they feel slighted because I haven't been in contact with them (my Mom as stated has been sick for almost 9 months now and for the most part, until the diagnosis, I didn't really talk about it and started to keep more to myself), they don't know what to say to me or I simply no longer serve any use to them. I honestly don't really care because the results are the same.  On the flip side I am lucky enough to have some very amazing people in my life who have pulled very close together to me during all of this. Both new friends and old. My Mom has been so touched by the amount of love and support she has received from "the kids" I hung out with in high school and their families, her friends, my coworkers, college friends and our family. My Mom was a stay at home Mom because of her disability so she was always the one that drove me and my friends around so they all got to know her really well and she always loved having everyone around. Seeing them all now and that they remember her and care has really made her feel loved. Her worry is that people will forget about her and she'll be left alone in some room somewhere and that has been alleviated by all visitors, calls and cards.

My Mom still plans on beating this. She currently can't keep food down and is still undergoing both chemo and radiation so she is still in the hospital and that's where she'll be spending the holidays. That was a bit of a heavy blow to both of us. But I've decorated her hospital room with a little light up tree and all of the Christmas cards that have been sent. Her Christmas presents all have to be in gift bags because she's not really strong enough to open anything wrapped. Once she is able to keep food down they're moving her to a rehabilitation center so she can begin to build her strength back. We keep moving forward, planning for when she comes home because that's all we can do. Anything else is not imaginable. The week I spent without her as a child was difficult, I can't imagine being without her again even as an adult.

Why Your Pink Ribbon is Bullshit

I am completely for charitable giving to worthy charities. To me in order to be worthy you must not only claim to represent a cause but also actually show where the money goes to help that cause. That is why the Pink Ribbon campaign is complete bullshit. A little background checking will show you  that they do not disclose how much of their funds go to actual breast cancer research or to helping cancer patients.

Most things that you think you are donating to in hopes of supporting research or something worth a damn that has a pink ribbon on it exists solely to jack up the price of the item. To further prove that the Susan G. Koman foundation/pink ribbon campaign does not give a shit about women or breast cancer they have recently teamed up with Baker Highes an oil drilling company that uses fracking. You know fracking which causes various health problems including cancer. "Fracking exposes workers to high levels of many known carcinogens, such as benzene, which has been linked to–you guessed it–breast cancer." Let's be clear. They think we are all stupid enough not to make this connection. Personally I am waiting for Pink Ribbon Cigarettes, Light Up For A Cause! There are good charities to donate to just not this one. Do your research, don't be lazy. Don't just throw your money at something claims do something. I've had a family member die of breast cancer. It's not pretty, no matter how many cute little pink ribbons you put on it.

I highly recommend the book Pink Ribbon Blues if you have an interest in this subject. 

**Dear readers,
I am sorry that I have not posted in what seems like forever. I have been ever busy but I will try to get back on track.
Xoxo

Nudes, Rape and Video Games: A Feminist Explosion

So this week so much has happened that I didn't know which subject to even discuss. So I am going to try and discuss them all. Here we go....

1) Nude photos of celebrities leaked. This is the same problem that we have continued to have only instead of sex tapes being stolen from vaults they are being taken off of iclouds. Personally, I am paranoid and don't believe in doing nudes however, I am not about to sit back and say things like "what did they expect?" or "they got what they deserved". Victim blaming, how not surprising. Hell even when photos are taken of women and they are not aware they are the ones blamed. None of what has happened is in the least surprising although I do feel really angry for those women and I believe in the one case girl. The Olympian who had her photos taken was underage(child porn rears its ugly head). And let me be clear, everyone who went and looked at those photos you are part of the problem. You're why people leak nudes of women/girls because there are consumers for it. That and it's a great way to try and ruin a woman's life because that's still how we judge women the virgin/whore dichotomy. We are always supposed to be desirable but not touchable, an impossible line to walk.

2) The student who is dragging her mattress around campus. At first I wasn't quite sure what this young woman was trying to accomplish. The act didn't stand out to me as *BAM* this is what's up!  But after doing some reading and finding out that she was raped on her mattress and that dragging the mattress around symbolizes the weight of being raped everything made a lot more sense. The young woman is a performance artist which makes a lot more sense to how she got the idea. I do hope that she is successful and having her rapist expelled. Campus' need to take sexual assaults more seriously. Even from a business standpoint taking sexual assault more seriously makes sense. Female students pay just as much in tuition as male students and currently more women are enrolling in higher education.

3) Feminist Frequency and the threats. I am dating a gamer. He hates feminist frequency because they rip apart his hobby which is understandable. He's allowed to disagree. Just as they are allowed to have their video blog and give their opinions about whatever. Nothing wrong with any of it. However, once you start threatening someone to the point where they have to leave their home. That's an issue. That's a big fucking issue. And also it is counter active to what those who are threatening points. "No video games don't promote violence or hatred towards women. But bitch if you keep talking about it I'm going to break into your home and rape you until you're dead." Yeah...umm..nice going there...totally made your point. That is if your point is that you're stupid; like too stupid to function. As to whether or not video games promote hatred of women, certain ones certainly can promote misogynistic ideas about women which a lot of things do because we live in a patriarchal society so there's no big shock there. Games where the object is to stalk and rape women (there's a Japanese computer game where the object is to stalk and rape a mother and daughter) I do believe are disgusting and should not be in existence and are clearly promoting violence against women and making a game of it. Are all video games bad? No. Are gamers all bad? No. Are the people who threaten and harass vlogers with violence barely an excuse for humans? Yes.

Why #Weallneedfeminism

The #WhyINeedFeminism hashtag was a good idea. And fits with third wave feminism focus on the individual. I, however, am strongly in the second wave camp. We are all individuals but seeing ourselves as purely individuals is a great way to make sure nothing gets accomplished. We need to view ourselves as a group and understand that as a group feminism takes on different forms for us all. For example as a  American Feminist the problems I face are different from a Iranian Feminist. We both have the same overall goal, equality, but different factors that we cannot control change the priority of issues changes based on our individual needs. Religion, race, age, sexuality, gender, class, occupation and location all factor into what we place as high priority issues.

So I have complied a list of five reasons why we all need feminism as the human race. Obviously this list can go on but I decided to limit it to just five for now. Perhaps someday I will do a part two. 

1. #Weallneedfeminism because of human trafficking. Children as young as four are taken or sold into human slavery, usually sexual slavery. There are currently more modern day slaves than there were when slavery was legal in the United States and in most of the world.

                            
2. #Weallneedfeminism because of genital mutilation of both boys and girls. Women and girls around the world are subjected to genital mutilation that ranges from cutting of the clitoris to the complete removal of of the clitoris and vaginal lips. The idea being to control female sexuality and to keep women from cheating on their husbands by taking the pleasure out of sex. Then their is male genital mutilation otherwise known as male circumcision and is mostly practiced in the United States. This is probably going to make a bunch of parents mad but that doesn't change the fact that male circumcision is still genital mutilation. There is no medical or hygienic reason to circumcise boys. It is purely for looks and it does decrease the sexual pleasure of males. And also let me say for the record, uncircumcised penis' do not look weird or unattractive. They look like dicks, get over it.

3.  #Weallneedfeminism because we need to put an end to violence against women whether it be intimate partner abuse, sexual abuse, rape, bride burning, burning with acid whatever the violence. And we need to stop making those stupid violence against women jokes/rape jokes. a) You run a real risk or traumatizing someone because statistically you are saying those jokes/comments around someone who is a victim/survivor and no you probably don't know it because with the stupid shit that is spewing out of your mouth they surely won't be telling you. b) You are reaffirming that what the abuser/rapist/molester does/has done is not only okay and socially acceptable but that it is funny. Nice job asshat. And no you probably are not aware that your coworker John goes home and beats the shit out of his wife and kids because it is still illegal to do so. Or that your friend George on occasions rapes his dates when they don't want to put out after he has paid for a date. It's not funny. You are not funny. You sound like an ignorant scum bag.

4. #Weallneedfeminism because a woman's body is her own and so is the choice as to whether or not we have children, when we have them and how many we have. Unplanned pregnancies can have a wide array of repercussions including poverty, single parent households, higher rates of abortion, more kids in the foster system and so on. Abstinence only education simply does not work. Instead what research has found that students who were taught through the abstinence only method were still having sex they were just doing so without the use of condoms or birth control leading to higher rates of pregnancy and STDs. And unplanned pregnancies tend to trap women into bad marriages and into lower incomes, often times because they then have to stay home and take care of the children, world wide.

5. #Weallneedfeminism because women are not taken seriously. If we express any strong emotions we are either bitches or irrational. We can never just be rightfully angry or upset, we're either hysterical, over-reacting or PMSing. This also ties into how women aren't taken seriously when they are abused. We're exaggerating or just saying it happened to ruin the abuser's/rapist's life. This needs to stop. Someone is more likely to fake their own death than to lie about being raped.

I Like Everyone Else Am Devistated

Yesterday the news broke that Robin Williams took his own life. The man who brought so much happiness to the world, in the end he couldn't find his own. Robin Williams touch all of our lives and made the world a happier place throughout his lifetime. A light has definitely gone out in the world. 

And I say world because it is not just the United States that will miss him. Even animals have shown sign of mourning Robin Williams. Koko was mentioned in William's one HBO special that he did and the two clearly had a wonderful bond.


I myself am not a religious person by any means. However, I hope that there is someway that Robin Williams is able to sense how much he was and is loved. To understand that we all mourn his loss and that his life was not in vain. I truly am at a loss for words. 

May you have finally found some peace.

Because I Don't Want to Get Down With the Sickness

For the first time in my life I appear to have a really good immune system. I haven't been really sick in over a year at this point and while I am terrified that I am currently jinxing myself by writing this, I'm going to continue. *Watch next week I have West Nile and Ebola*

The secret to my health is a partially due to working with kids for over two years. I was almost constantly sick the first year and half, kids will do that to you. But my doctor was right and my immune system eventually said "Screw this being sick stuff" and I've been pretty healthy since. But the secret to how I didn't die during that year and a half and how every time I start to feel like I might be getting sick and the next day I am all better is simple: Apple Cider Vinegar.

When I was in graduate school I lived with a vegan couple who had fantastic health. And sure enough when I started to get sick they shared with me the all powerful apple cider vinegar. They drink it whenever they feel like they are getting sick. It kills all of the bacteria in your throat and stomach that is trying to make you sick. Now I was highly skeptical of this especially since they were drinking it right out of a bottle as though it was some delicious tea. But Meg and Jim assured me that I didn't need to chug a bottle of the stuff. So I gave it a whirl. I had shot glasses that I would fill halfway and slam it. Now I am not going to lie to you, I also have pinch my nose shut as I did this. I never questioned their claim that it killed at all of the bacteria because I could feel it doing it and after my throat wouldn't hurt.

My boyfriend swears it doesn't work however last night when I said I thought I was getting sick the first thing he said was "Do you want the apple cider vinegar?". Today I feel fine. Now the ACV trick doesn't work if you're knee deep in sickness, it may help you get over it quicker but the best time to use it is when you first notice that you are coming down with something. Some people suggest drinking it every day to improve health. And while studies have shown that there are health benefits to it I just haven't graduated to a stage where I am okay drinking ACV on a daily basis.