Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Adventures in Home Ownership: Animal Edition

Years ago my Uncle took off the garage door with the intention of fixing it and putting it back up. My mom got sick and the fixing didn't end up happening. So this spring, I decided that I would assess the damage and see if it was savable. But first I had to FIND the garage door which was harder than you might think. Turned out to be propped against the side of the garage, folded up. When I tried to pull back the door to lay it out I saw something behind it come toddling at me. My first thought was "Oh bunny!!!!" followed very quickly by "Oh shit! POSSUM!!!!!!!!!" I then jumped backwards about 10-15 feet while screaming in a dignified manner. According to google possums do not like moth balls and I, luckily, happen to horde them. (I'm not a little old lady, I just don't like snakes). I then went back up my backyard armed with two boxes of moth balls and tried to do my best impersonation of  a person with good aim.

Several times this summer snakes decided to slither on by me and whenever this happened I screamed and ran away doing high knees. Why? Three reasons. 1) Harder to bite someone who is basically attempting to fly. 2) I cling to the delusion that my neighbors will not think I am some scaredy-cat but rather am enjoying a new, if not annoying, exercise trend.   3) As I found out the last time a snake slithered my way, my screams, scare them and they *sometimes* slither away like "oh hell no lady!" Side note: that snake is the only snake I have ever thought of fondly. I hope the snake is doing well, far, far away from me.

This summer squirrels managed to get into my attic. This is obviously bad news. Now you may be thinking "Hey don't you have three cats that you prattle on about all the time? Why not just release them into the attic and let them get their murder on? *DUN DUN DUN*" Well you my psychotic blood thirsty reader must understand that I have a great fear of my cats getting stuck in the walls, calling out to me with their sad little meows, as I struggle to find them and they die a sad, terrible death. Yes, I am that pet mom. Back off. After again googling I found that there were some things I could do fairly easily to get these suckers to leave. The most interesting idea was to spread predator urine around but seeing as it was July and I as a general rule of thumb don't want urine anywhere but it a toilet or a litter box, I tossed that idea straight away.  Fun fact though, you can buy predator urine on the internet. Makes it easier than going to your local coyote with a jar and saying "fill er up!" The option I did go with was taking apple cider vinegar and soaking rags in it and leaving them around the room. Google, in all of its wisdom, said to allow 48 hours for the squirrels to vacate and check. Now let me tell you, carrying that bucket of apple cider vinegar soaked rags up the stairs to the attic almost made me pass out and vomit at the same time so I can see why the squirrels decided on finding a new summer home. But heads up it worked and was super cheap!

And last but not least this annoying gem. As you should have surmised by now, I live in the woods. Deer wonder through my yard all the time, which I love. They are especially clingy this time of year since it is hunting season and it's Pennsylvania. This proves to me that they are intelligent creatures since they have figured out they can't be shot at around houses. But deer aren't the only large animals that like to peruse my yard and driveway. One morning, as I was about to walk out and go to work, I found my garbage can (which is on wheels due to its size) tipped over and garbage dragged halfway down my yard. Damn bears! Scurrying out to pick up the filth which I had hoped to never see again, I was glad to see the bears were smart enough to stop at the cat litter and left that bag and everything under it alone and in the trash. Since then, I always put the litter trash on top of the rest of it. No more bear mess since that.

That is all for now folks, I hope you have gleamed some slightly useful information and if not hopefully my terror at least gave you a chuckle.

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