ED

For most of high school I had a pretty intense relationship with ED. We had our ups and downs, the usual teenage disagreements. I was very committed to ED despite my oblivion that ED was even a part of my life. In fact, it wasn't until ED and I were on our first break that my friend Hanna pointed out to me that I had a relationship with ED. I had apparently worried my friends with that relationship. My relationship with ED was not a healthy one. ED did damaged to my body that took years to fix and the mental/emotional damage is something I still struggle with some days.

 ED was my eating disorder. And since we are coming off of a week that raises awareness on Eating Disorders I feel it is time to finally publicly identify myself. Throughout most of high school i was anorexic. I wasn't the only one in my group of friends, in my experience ED works his way through a group having a fling with most of the members. I can remember worrying about my one friend's health while at the same time being jealous of how thin she was. Looking at Old photos I realize we were actually the same size.

But I didn't think I was anorexic. I told myself and others I was merely dieting. My mom had no idea because i would tell her I was eating breakfast and lunch when I wasn't. I would also lie about eating at other times but those were the easiest. I was also popping diet pills like tic tacs. I remember during this time my one friend Maggi gave me a bottle of vitamins with the instruction to take them everyday and to "eat something even if it is just a cracker." I now realize that she was afraid for me. Back then I thought she was jealous of my weight loss and was trying to sabotage me.....WITH VITAMINS! How sick did I have to be to believe that?

 To this day it pisses me off when someone says that people with eating disorders have no will power or are weak minded. Anorexics literally have to ignore their bodies telling them they are dying and need food! Ignoring such a basic human need is proof of strong convictions. It's unfortunate that the anorexic's cause is to be "skinny". 

 For me it got so bad when I was in high school I started fainting. I never fainted in school or in front of an adult so my family never knew. I was headed towards hospitalization. Luckily for me, in high school I decided to become a vegetarian. A lot of anorexics hide their disorder behind vegetarianism and veganism. But for me, vegetarianism may have saved my life.

 My mother kept telling me that vegetarianism wasn't going to work for me, that I couldn't get the proper nutrition. She was completely against my choice to become a vegetarian. Being my father's very stubborn daughter, I thought, "I'll show you!" And I began to eat again. Once Hanna pointed out I had a problem, I never went back to anorexia. When I went to college I was working at an ice cream parlor and I started to really pack on the pounds. And it wasn't long before I started making myself vomit. This didn't last nearly as long as the anorexia, perhaps because I knew I had a problem.

 What finally put an end to my relationship with ED was something my sister-in-law had said to me. One day while I was at school Shannon sent me a Bookface message saying how thankful she was that her girls, my nieces, had such a strong, positive, female role model in me. After reading that message I couldn't stand the thought of my nieces ever feeling the way I had about my body most of my life. And what message would I be sending my nieces that looked up to me? The one thing that I wanted more than to be thin was to be a positive role model to my nieces and other women. I was finally able to see that I was more than what the scale or mirror reflected back at me.

 My story ends on a much happier note than a lot of others. I survived. Not everyone is fortunate enough to say that. I have friends who have been institutionalized for their love of ED. One friend of mine did serious damage to her organs from laxatives. I count myself as very lucky. How do I deal with my body issues now? I started concentrating on making myself strong. I started kickboxing, doing yoga, and running. I'm currently training for a half marathon. And I have never been as physically or mentally as healthy as I am now and it feels great. I love my body now. My body can do amazing things I never would have imagined. We only get one body. If we don't love it and take care of it, our bodies won't be able to take care of us down the road. And after almost a decade long relationship with ED I can say with certainty, we're so over.