Waiting for Normal

My life has been completely turned upside down. My Mom is gone, my lease on my apt is over and the house that I now solely own isn't done with the renovations. I have this overwhelming desire for my life to go back to normal. But whenever I realize this sense I find a deeper sadness because the normal my life used to have is gone forever. The cancer that stole my Mother away took that away as well.

I am not the me I was. I am quieter for starters. The anxiety that I have I can at least expect to pass when I am not invading other people's space with my things and my pets. But I know I, myself, will never be the same. Quiet. That was never a word to describe me. I don't particularly know what to say or who to say it to. I know I don't like that I am quiet. I hope that it passes. That I feel and act more like the me I remember.

When my Nana died, I remember that my Mom said she wanted to die as well. But what kept her here was her new baby, me. I never realized how alike my Mom and I are. I never felt suicidal but for a while there if I had seen a bus barreling at me, I don't believe I would have moved. That was scary. That was a low point. I am still here. I do believe that it'll get better. The waiting part just sucks. There is no better word to describe it but sucks. I have been actively trying to make it better. Planning things so I can look forward to fun things. To seeing those I love that I have left. I feel normal around them, the ones who battled this with me. They've seen it all, they remind me of the life I had and will have again. They are my hope, they still see me, even if I can't. They bring out the old Sabrina from her deep slumber. 

Whatever my new normal is I eagerly await its arrival because this will not do as my normal. Normal will be better.