Breaking the Silence Since Losing Her

My mother died an hour into her birthday. She was 61. The week prior I had moved home to help take care of her. At that point I knew she had only about a week left.

The memories of that week have been something I have actively tried to suppress, if I don't I cannot really function. The things that happened that week, the sharp decline, my mom losing the ability to communicate, the death rattle, and knowing that she was mentally aware of it all is a weight that is unbearable and one that cannot be lifted by my friends and family no matter how hard they may try. And I know that any of them reading this are not happy with my admitting what they may have suspected. Although, I know rationally it is bad to ignore memories and to push them down into the subconscious this is what allows me to function and rebuild my life. Losing her was terrible, living through those final days was the worst experience I could ever have imagined. Actually, it surpasses even my worst nightmare and believe me I have had quiet a few since.

I was with her when she died. When the death rattle stopped and she became quiet. When she stopped breathing I called out to her "Mom! Mom!" and she started breathing again. A minute or so later it happened again, she stopped breathing. Only this time my calling out to her did nothing. She was gone. She tried to stay with me, her mind was there. Her body just couldn't do it anymore. And that last week was so horrible on her I can't blame her body for giving out. She fought the good fight, it just got to be too much. Not all stories have a happy ending.



Everyone has their own opinion on how I should  be handling things or how I should be acting. I get the "you have to deal with these feelings Sabrina." as though it were that easy. I've had anger at my emotions when they do surface because they are inconvenient or people do not understand how to handle them or me. Some are upset because they feel that I do not show enough emotion. That my loss does not weigh my soul down to the point where I cannot get out of bed. They would prefer for me showcase my suffering for their enjoyment. People seem to forget I am still me. A me that has suffered a trauma at the loss of my mother but I am me none the less. Some friends and family have disappeared completely from my life as well. They either do not know what to say to me or cannot face me for whatever reason. At any rate, I refuse to change my life, my coping mechanisms to better suit others who have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. As I write this, I am certain I am not the only person who has felt this way. The pressure from others on how to act when suffering a great loss.

It hasn't been all bad. Most days I have so much to do that moving forward is the only choice I have. I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends, family and coworkers in my life who have been there for me throughout all of this. I have had much support, for as many people giving me a hard time or disappearing out of my life there have been 3 more to take their place and assure me that I am handling everything better than they thought anyone could. That I am strong and they admire me for living life. Or simply ones that are there for me, not treating me differently. I love them all for it.


I miss her.

I miss a thousand things about her and our relationship. Even something as simple as knowing I'd have at least one person to read my blog posts, her. My mother was my biggest supporter and fan. She loved me unconditionally and I her. The only thing that I wouldn't take back from that week, the memory that I would keep are the ones that convince me that she knew how loved she was. I take so much comfort in that.


Hug your mom's tighter. Tell them that you love them and treasure the time you have with them. And if you are going through something similar, or are simply surviving understand that you are not alone and you are doing fine. You will get through this. We both will.

Memory

I have a memory from when I was very young, maybe four. I know I wasn't in school yet. My Mom had to go away and have testing done for a week because of her brain injury and a family friend stayed with me. I remember the day we went to go get my Mom, not the ride there or anything, just when I saw her. I remember running up to her and wrapping my arms around her. She was wearing her black rabbit fur coat.I remember how soft it was and the smell. We were both crying.

My Mom has been diagnosed with cancer in her lung, bone marrow, adrenal gland, liver and brain. She had been sick since the spring but we only found out the diagnosis in late October. I wasn't too surprised that it was cancer, just everywhere it is. Even still nothing prepares you for that moment. It's always been my Mom and me. Earlier this year we were going to the gym together 2-3 times a week. She started to not be able to go because she was so sick and couldn't use her arm. She quickly started to deteriorate and come September it seemed like we were constantly taking her to the Emergency Room, with them not doing anything to help. Having the person that loves you unconditionally and who you love the same, in such pain and in such condition is unbearable. Not being able to do something to help is maddening, frustrating and sickening. Anyone who has had someone they love horribly ill will understand this. That's also why I haven't been updating my blog. Writing anything is very emotional and somewhat difficult.

When my Mom was diagnosed people warned me that my boyfriend would probably leave me. That I should be prepared for that possibility. To his credit he has stayed. What no one warned me about was my friends jumping ship. Some of the ones who have disappeared since my Mom got sick are not too surprising, the absence of others has been staggering. Whether they feel slighted because I haven't been in contact with them (my Mom as stated has been sick for almost 9 months now and for the most part, until the diagnosis, I didn't really talk about it and started to keep more to myself), they don't know what to say to me or I simply no longer serve any use to them. I honestly don't really care because the results are the same.  On the flip side I am lucky enough to have some very amazing people in my life who have pulled very close together to me during all of this. Both new friends and old. My Mom has been so touched by the amount of love and support she has received from "the kids" I hung out with in high school and their families, her friends, my coworkers, college friends and our family. My Mom was a stay at home Mom because of her disability so she was always the one that drove me and my friends around so they all got to know her really well and she always loved having everyone around. Seeing them all now and that they remember her and care has really made her feel loved. Her worry is that people will forget about her and she'll be left alone in some room somewhere and that has been alleviated by all visitors, calls and cards.

My Mom still plans on beating this. She currently can't keep food down and is still undergoing both chemo and radiation so she is still in the hospital and that's where she'll be spending the holidays. That was a bit of a heavy blow to both of us. But I've decorated her hospital room with a little light up tree and all of the Christmas cards that have been sent. Her Christmas presents all have to be in gift bags because she's not really strong enough to open anything wrapped. Once she is able to keep food down they're moving her to a rehabilitation center so she can begin to build her strength back. We keep moving forward, planning for when she comes home because that's all we can do. Anything else is not imaginable. The week I spent without her as a child was difficult, I can't imagine being without her again even as an adult.

Why Your Pink Ribbon is Bullshit

I am completely for charitable giving to worthy charities. To me in order to be worthy you must not only claim to represent a cause but also actually show where the money goes to help that cause. That is why the Pink Ribbon campaign is complete bullshit. A little background checking will show you  that they do not disclose how much of their funds go to actual breast cancer research or to helping cancer patients.

Most things that you think you are donating to in hopes of supporting research or something worth a damn that has a pink ribbon on it exists solely to jack up the price of the item. To further prove that the Susan G. Koman foundation/pink ribbon campaign does not give a shit about women or breast cancer they have recently teamed up with Baker Highes an oil drilling company that uses fracking. You know fracking which causes various health problems including cancer. "Fracking exposes workers to high levels of many known carcinogens, such as benzene, which has been linked to–you guessed it–breast cancer." Let's be clear. They think we are all stupid enough not to make this connection. Personally I am waiting for Pink Ribbon Cigarettes, Light Up For A Cause! There are good charities to donate to just not this one. Do your research, don't be lazy. Don't just throw your money at something claims do something. I've had a family member die of breast cancer. It's not pretty, no matter how many cute little pink ribbons you put on it.

I highly recommend the book Pink Ribbon Blues if you have an interest in this subject. 

**Dear readers,
I am sorry that I have not posted in what seems like forever. I have been ever busy but I will try to get back on track.
Xoxo