The Truth in the Illusion

When we lose someone, someone we truly love, we may find ourselves thinking that they couldn't have possibly existed. That's what my mind did about a month after my mother died. The loss was too great. She must have been a fantasy I thought up. I would remind myself that obviously wasn't true since I was born; I had to have a mother. In the end, I recognized what I was doing as a coping mechanism, my mind couldn't handle the lost therefore, it tried to remove it. It's a very strange feeling. One that I dismissed quickly because losing my memories of my Mom would be losing her again. She deserves to be remembered. Perhaps it is a testament to how wonderful she was that my mind just couldn't bear to remember. I am not alone in this. I've read of other people having the same sort of fog. My advise to those who suffer the same, is to fight it. Hang onto the memory of them. Do not let go of them. Forgetting may save pain at first, but in the long run you will better off for remembering.

Last night I had a dream that my mother was alive. She came where ever I was and she looked like she did before she got sick. I said to her "Mom you're dead." She said " What are you talking about?" I decided to go with it, to enjoy my dream time with her. To follow the illusion, even though I knew it was a dream.

The Christmas after my Dad died I begged my Mom to not do Christmas. She wouldn't listen. It proceeded as normal. Looking back I am glad she did that. Tried to keep it normal for me, so not to ruin my future holidays any more than they were. I am trying to do Christmas but the magic is gone. "As long as you have a Mother and Father, there will always be a Santa Claus." my Mother would tell me as a child when I'd ask about Santa's existence. It's the same answer her mother gave her when she would ask. That answer convinced me that there obviously must be a Santa because you always have parents. Well I am 28 now and Santa, along with my parents, is gone. Still the tree is decorated. My ornaments hung without her this year. The memories attached to each handmade or ancient keepsake are solely mine now. It's a loneliness that permeates throughout the body. Still, the holiday season isn't as bad as I was expecting. There are low points, but mostly it is a steady pulse, nothing particularly joyous, but not wretched. Mostly I am content.

I still enjoy giving presents. Trying to find the right gifts for people. In that though I always see things I would get for my mom and have to turn away, or redirect myself. I do not believe in buying gifts for the dead. Materialism is one thing that they are gladly stripped of and the living left with.  I wrap myself in ugly Christmas sweaters, all but one of which belonged to my mom. She did not think they were ugly and did not wear them ironically. She loved the cutest sayings and the like. Wearing them warms more than just my skin and makes me giggle at the memories. 

I do feel the love of friends and family. They have not forgotten me. They know it's hard and that I do not want to be pestered with questions constantly, but they treat me like always. Like a whole person. I find myself returning to my Uncle's for holidays, something which we used to do when I was a child. The familiarity of this is comforting. It's normal for me to be there not somewhere I would have to go so as not to be alone but a place of belonging. It feels right. And I am lucky for that. And thankful. Everyone who has lost someone, and their traditions along with them, should be as lucky to feel as though they belong. So to the people who include us, try to understand us, listen, provide distraction, laugh with us, cry with us, and help us light the tree when there are so many reasons why it would be easier not to, thank you.

Thank you for telling me I am handling it well. It's a credit to my Mother. And thanks to her, and you, I know I can do this.

Memory

I have a memory from when I was very young, maybe four. I know I wasn't in school yet. My Mom had to go away and have testing done for a week because of her brain injury and a family friend stayed with me. I remember the day we went to go get my Mom, not the ride there or anything, just when I saw her. I remember running up to her and wrapping my arms around her. She was wearing her black rabbit fur coat.I remember how soft it was and the smell. We were both crying.

My Mom has been diagnosed with cancer in her lung, bone marrow, adrenal gland, liver and brain. She had been sick since the spring but we only found out the diagnosis in late October. I wasn't too surprised that it was cancer, just everywhere it is. Even still nothing prepares you for that moment. It's always been my Mom and me. Earlier this year we were going to the gym together 2-3 times a week. She started to not be able to go because she was so sick and couldn't use her arm. She quickly started to deteriorate and come September it seemed like we were constantly taking her to the Emergency Room, with them not doing anything to help. Having the person that loves you unconditionally and who you love the same, in such pain and in such condition is unbearable. Not being able to do something to help is maddening, frustrating and sickening. Anyone who has had someone they love horribly ill will understand this. That's also why I haven't been updating my blog. Writing anything is very emotional and somewhat difficult.

When my Mom was diagnosed people warned me that my boyfriend would probably leave me. That I should be prepared for that possibility. To his credit he has stayed. What no one warned me about was my friends jumping ship. Some of the ones who have disappeared since my Mom got sick are not too surprising, the absence of others has been staggering. Whether they feel slighted because I haven't been in contact with them (my Mom as stated has been sick for almost 9 months now and for the most part, until the diagnosis, I didn't really talk about it and started to keep more to myself), they don't know what to say to me or I simply no longer serve any use to them. I honestly don't really care because the results are the same.  On the flip side I am lucky enough to have some very amazing people in my life who have pulled very close together to me during all of this. Both new friends and old. My Mom has been so touched by the amount of love and support she has received from "the kids" I hung out with in high school and their families, her friends, my coworkers, college friends and our family. My Mom was a stay at home Mom because of her disability so she was always the one that drove me and my friends around so they all got to know her really well and she always loved having everyone around. Seeing them all now and that they remember her and care has really made her feel loved. Her worry is that people will forget about her and she'll be left alone in some room somewhere and that has been alleviated by all visitors, calls and cards.

My Mom still plans on beating this. She currently can't keep food down and is still undergoing both chemo and radiation so she is still in the hospital and that's where she'll be spending the holidays. That was a bit of a heavy blow to both of us. But I've decorated her hospital room with a little light up tree and all of the Christmas cards that have been sent. Her Christmas presents all have to be in gift bags because she's not really strong enough to open anything wrapped. Once she is able to keep food down they're moving her to a rehabilitation center so she can begin to build her strength back. We keep moving forward, planning for when she comes home because that's all we can do. Anything else is not imaginable. The week I spent without her as a child was difficult, I can't imagine being without her again even as an adult.